Any person who has ever been on a diet will know that it is not a straightforward process. In theory, it sounds simple – eat less, move more. But it is not so black and white. There are emotions and hormones and social lives and curveballs left right and centre. There is indeed one way to lose weight, but there are 100’s of different ways to sabotage yourself.
This week I have been feeling a lot like my own worst enemy. I have gained a few kilos, which doesn’t seem so bad, but to put it into context; what I have gained in a fortnight, it will probably take me at least twice as long to lose again. I am feeling frustrated with myself because over the last month or so, I have consistently wasted every opportunity to do the right thing. I have not been going to the gym when I have had the chance and all the way home from work torturing myself internally asking why.
All week I have felt that people are looking at me and thinking “She was doing so well, what is going on”. Or “I thought she was supposed to be going to the gym”. That is the problem with being so open about weight loss, people congratulate you as you are losing, but they also notice when it starts coming back on.
My motivation has been dwindling for a while and this has led me to fall right back into my bad habits.
You see recently, I have thrown my toys out of the pram. A few weeks ago I decided I was going to get serious with my weight loss. I went to the shop and bought a week worth of good healthy food and I followed it. At the end of the week I had lost one pound. I had a strop. A total melt down. I couldn’t believe that I had not achieved the results that I thought I deserved.
Next, I rebelled. I started doing whatever I liked. Skipping the gym, eating whenever, wherever and whatever I liked. Completely and utterly sabotaging all of the hard work that I had done to get me where I was. At some stages it felt like I was actively trying to do myself harm. I would be eating something and not even enjoying it, but eating it anyway. Why?
Food is a social thing for me. It is a large part of travel and my social life, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t make the right choices when I do eat. Also, routine is non-existent in my life. I do as I please and get bored very easily, so how can I keep myself interested?
For a while I have been comfortable in my own skin. That sounds like a good thing, right? But that means that looking good is no longer my motivation for weight loss. My health should be. I have been doing a lot of soul searching these last few days and I realised that I need to focus on my health and over all wellbeing first.
I have asked myself lots of questions this week, and the truth is, I don’t have the answers. I don’t know why I eat more than my body needs. I don’t know why I fall off the wagon every time I begin to see real results. But the good thing is, I am not ready to quit. I think I am ready to turn it around and commit to myself again.
Thankfully, I have caught myself before I ended up back where I started. Now I can recognise when I am drifting off course. I also know that nobody can do this for me, not even well meaning loved ones. This is something I need to do for me. This time, it’s personal.